Friday, March 26, 2004
hmm.. i've decided not to play wif the jiayong thing any more. i mean i think i'm going abit too far. haiz. lyk the other day, i do not feel crappy anymore. hm.. i feel very down these days. wonder whats wrong wif me. i've been hating bp. loving uptlc. er. disliking tons of things. and lurving a little. i was juz beginning to appreciate my life and now out of nowhere, this happens. gEe. read yL's open diary yesterday. he was still so upset and stuff. i THINK i understand what he's going through. yesterday i asked alk for photos during msn. and he said it was irritating to see a window pop-up with onli the word photos. er.. at tt time i felt wth. wat else shud i say and i asked him tt [without the wth]. he said muz say hi. and he's not my dog. haiz. den there went pam's temper. i dunno y. but juz seconds b4 that i was so happy. then i juz said something lyk. "sorry ang lian kwee. scold me and curse me for all i care. i do not want the photos anymore." gEe. man! do i regret? i dunno. hmm. but i think he's kinda angry. maybe not kinda angry. but very pissed. hmm. heard tt he was in a bad mood yesterday. haiz. but somehow i dun seem to care much. i dun seem to care much about anything. i care about nothing. hmm. about the photos, i can live without it rite? besides i dun think those pple around me care about me rite? i'm a lonely girl in a lonely world filled with miseries. i suddenly feel tt my family isnt very close anymore. i dunno. maybe it was onli yesterday. 'coz i didnt get to see my dad. so nv eat dinner as a family. haha. onli one day? gEe. i sometimes juz feel lyk bursting out into tears for no reason. no absolute reason. about my sch life. i think i'm slacking. oh ya. have i said that i dowan to play along with tt jy thing anymore. hmm. after everytime i play along with it. i get so either disgusted or annoyed. lolx. i think i'm going around annoying lots of peeps. jiayong, yanliang, yesterday liankwee. tomorrow hu? haiz. i feel damn useless. i feel idiotic. i feel lyk as if i'm a burden to EVERYONE! i shouldnt be living. that would be much easier. no1 wud have to bear with my limit-less 'craps'. my mom doesnt need to bother about me not studying, not doing household chores. without me she'll have lesser work rite? she can also save alot of money on my stuffs. my dad doesnt have to worry about me and my studies. doesnt have to wate money on my hp bills and tuition and piano. my brother wun have me screaming at him whenever i'm in a bad mood totally unrelated to him. haiz. i really pity my brother. i lyk him alot. but sometimes i juz tend to scold him for no reason. why am i so mean? why am i lyk thiS? is there something wrong with me? i think i shouldnt be asking that question. there really IS something wrong with me. as for those pple who really hate or despise me, they've lost an enemy. it gd to have lesser enemies. it makes their life easier. see. without me, the whole world seems so nice to be in. evryone will have their burdens removed. oh. i seemed to have left out my teachers. teachers love pple who produce good results. i do not. due to this, aint i being a burden again? hmm. tomorrow got camp debrief. wonder whats gonna happen. i wanna start studying during this weekend. hope its successful. hopefully i at least succeed doing finish all my homework.
